Vote for the Next Doge

The Doge was the title for the elected chief magistrate of city-states in medieval and Renaissance Italy. We feel it is time this nation had its own Doge to help lead us.

Before Election Day, you should meet the candidates at the final debate at 5:00pm on Saturday, November 1, 2008 in Strosacker Auditorium on the Case Western Reserve University campus in Cleveland, Ohio.

The final debate for the Doge is sponsored by The Confused Greenies, as we have taken bribes from the campaigns of each of the candidates.

"Vote Capitano; you know you want to!"

With a name (and a nose) that long, you know he's experienced! Capitano knows what the most important and valuable resource this great country has - it is Capitano of course! As long as Capitano is here, this nation will be the best in the world.

When Capitano is elected Doge, our country will never suffer another embarrassing sex scandal - for all of Capitano's exploits are of legend and eagerly proclaimed. Capitano also assures all female voters that he's very much for women's equality - he will make sure to give each and every woman their fair amount of time with Capitano.

Capitano is not only the bravest candidate running for Doge but the most fearless man around. When Capitano is elected, this nation will never suffer an attack because all our enemies will fear him! Capitano assures us he has never lost a battle - and in fact he cannot remember the last time he ever went to battle (we imagine that's because he's enemies are too frightened). Capitano's only regret, he says, that if elected it would not be wise to put the Doge on the battlefield so he will be staying as far away from the front lines as possible.

"A tenured professor of the electoral college."

Dottore is the smartest of the all the candidates. He would know - because he is the smartest! An alum of Wikipedia State University, Mayfield Heights campus, Dottore's credits include numerous graduate degrees as well as being full of BS. Dottore promises to grant partial credit in the electoral college.

As an academic, Dottore understands the needs of the children of the future. Once a medical doctor, Dottore understands the concerns of those without health care. A part time lawyer, Dottore cares about the needs of the wealthy. The son of a millionaire, Dottore knows what it's like to spend obscene amounts of money. As the fourth cousin (twice removed) from a mortgage broker, he understands the foreclosure process. Having once met an automobile mechanic during maintenance on his Humvee, Dottore promises that he is a man to help the poorest needs of the neediest poor in this great nation.

A vote for Dottore is a vote Yes on "Knows". (Get it, knows?)

"A Punch for You, 2008!"

Pulcinella understands that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Pulcinella's campaign runs, thus, under the assumption that his already absolute corruption should empower him absolutely. Pulcinella will completely restructure the country's judicial system. He already has personal history with most of the major crime lords and acute knowledge how the criminal mind works. Pulcinella will also ban the death penalty because it's so much less of a punishment that protracted torture. He has the support of several law enforcement unions as the officers believe once Pulcinella is Doge his whereabouts will be more readily tracked.

Pulcinella can speak to all sides of the government, all political parties. He has years of experience from dealing with his multiple psychotic personalities.

Vote for Pulcinella or you'll make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

The Confused Greenies hope you can attend this important debate on Saturday, November 1 because when the campaign becomes a farce, make a farce out of the campaign!